I’m no Aussie. I’m a dirty American, but I know good TV fare when I see it. That’s why I’m a petrolhead and religiously watch BBC’s brilliant Top Gear (and not the squinchy, chopped-up BBC Americker edition). Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond, and James May are all pedigreed automotive journalists, and they’re blighting mad to boot. Every episode is bloody brilliant, so its no wonder the Beeb wanted to license it out. The first word I heard of it getting outside of the UK was the US version. I was not thrilled.

I was, however, heartened to hear of an Aussie version, where being an Aussie might have granted me better insight into their humor and the why’s behind the Down Under version of Top Gear (TGA). I get the original Top Gear’s humor and presence like I get Monty Python’s Flying Circus. TGA seems more like a combination of red light drag races, bar-b-que and beer chats, front lawn donuts, and bathroom humor contests. The hosts, Charlie Cox, a former race car driver with BTCC experience from the 90′s, Steve Pizzati, a race driver with an unclear past in motorsports and whom teaches blokes to squirt in Porsches at some school somewhere, and Warren Brown, a cartoonist who does a TV series on Australia’s storied past.

In the “First Official Interview” with Steve, here’s something he had to say, which I think sums up the entire show:

What car do you hate most in all the world?
Hmmm… Where to start? Anything American. Anything slow (see answer one). Anything that doesn’t handle (see answer one). Anything with crap brakes (see answer one). Anything with an exhaust pipe that can house a family of five. Anything with more decals than paint. Lorries. Anything with a crochet blanket on the back seat. Anything that has the turn indicator permanently jammed on.

My first exposure to TGA was a clip on You Tube. The gag is, admittedly, a hoot where the guys use cars as balls in a game of hatchback lawn bowls. I decided to take a closer look at the show, so I’ve watched the first three episodes. I can confidently report that the show is all gag and no grit. Warren managed to give a reasonably unpleasant review to BMW’s new ridiculous X6 Sport Activity Coupé since it was pokey on streets and poor off track. Steve didn’t like the Mercedes SLK 63 Black Series too well since he didn’t think it delivered a sense of focused purpose.

Charlie hasn’t been around the track in a car yet. Odd, that. Oh yeah! He did run the new Ford GT right-hand drive car about, then spun it out on a corner without explaining about how the suspension is squirrely or it understeers badly under power. Maybe that’s why I didn’t notice it. He’s also rather bad at the Stig intros and can’t interview people in the “Celebrity in a Bog Standard Car”, whatever that means. Again, I’m no Aussie.

The moment the first episode fired up, I thought I was watching TGUK. At least the graphic arts department had managed to swap out the silhouettes with the new guys. Now, I’m going to chalk it up to being new at all this, but these guys can’t talk to each other. There’s no repoire like TGUK. They don’t make fun of each other while still managing to pull on each others strengths. They just talk and perform the gags that the producers have invariably lined up for them.

There’s also no soul to car reviews, and there have been precious few of them. Most of the gags are silly pranks with all three of them squabbing about in some range of cars to do something ridiculous. There must be something more interesting to do in Oz than toss a few tons of rocks in your truck and haul it up a hill. According to them, there is. Its going to get some crap cars out of a junk yard, get them running, drag them for time, then have a little private smash-up darby where one of the cars doesn’t work.

whee.

Its not that I don’t believe its possible to get a great show out of TGA. I just think they’re going about it the wrong way. Its not about duplicating the original. Its about taking the overall concept and making it true to Australia and Australians. Aussie’s love their Fords or their monster V8 Holdens. The entire country has V8 fever, and has for a very long time (Mad Max, anyone!). That can’t ever be a bad thing. They also need to rig themselves a proper track. They’re going to get one hotrodder celeb in there and he’s going to best The Stig’s time in some supercar and they’re all going to look stupid.

They might also want to rethink their presenter choices.

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