We’ve been hearing it for years… People blabbing on and on about what they’d like Apple to introduce at this or that show. Its goes the same every time. Apple announces they will announce something and every Apple peep on the planet starts positing about what Apple will be introducing. It takes up a large amount of internet bandwidth and most of it is wrong. I thought it might be fun, instead, to speculate on what Apple will NOT be introducing. Here we go:

• iBclean – a complete set of toiletries including the iFoof, iBrush, iPit, iPick, and iWipe systems. All devices feature a specialized version of Mac OS X and have accelerometers for position and action detection functions.
• AppleVHS – a special version of the AppleTV deck which supports playback and upcoding of VHS video cassettes.
• iPlunge – This bathroom tool sports an ergonomic handle, a 4200 mAh LiIon battery pack, and the optional iScrub toilet brush. The iPlunge can root out 150 gallons a minute and store 4,000 songs.
• iChair – There is little known about this product as Apple refuses to comment on unannounced products, but from what The Dojo iTeam can tell, it emits a Jobs Field which causes people within range to have absolute faith in Apple products. It also has adjustable height and lumbar support.
• iGuy/iGal – These complementary products offer companionship, download support, Apple’s new iHug technology, storage for 25,000 to 100,000 songs, and can operate for 12 hours before requiring a charge. You can add the optional iPerambulate system which was developed in conjunction with iRobot and adds Roomba functionality.
• iGuess – This Apple-shaped device predicts the future. Just pick it up, give it a shake to activate the accelerometer driven start function, and ask it a question. Turn it over for the answer and be in the know at any time.

That should do it. If any of these products are actually announced, I can easily say I didn’t have any insider information. I just used my iGuess. <WINK>

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